Why is curiosity important?
Curiosity is said to have killed the cat but, when it comes to mental health, it may save you some grief. Curiosity is an often overlooked skill for mental health and wellness. Far more often than we realize, we are making quick assumptions and conclusions in our daily lives and not thinking too much about it. We do this with strangers, those we love, and even ourselves. We do not bother to question or examine these assumptions and it, often, does not occur to us that we should.
These judgements often show up as, what we think, are obvious answers or conclusions. Most of the time we do not even realize we have done it. If someone cuts us off in traffic? What an idiot. We automatically assume they are just being reckless. If our co-worker is chronically late, we assume they do not care about the effect that has on others. While these may seem like basic conclusions, they are, in fact, judgements and assumptions. We often do not consider that there may be more to the situation or person than we think or get curious about what the more may be. Then, we have feelings based on our assumptions. The reckless driver makes us angry. The late coworker makes us resentful. When it may be that the distracted driver is on their way to a personal emergency or the late coworker is struggling to care for a loved one before work each morning. If we really knew how much we did not know and how many assumptions or stories we made up throughout our days and years of life, we would likely be astounded. We may also be surprised to understand the toll it takes on our mental health.
So why is curiosity important to an individual’s mental health? It may sound like curiosity is simply giving someone else the benefit of the doubt. However, curiosity can actually be a pretty useful skill as it can help interrupt the thoughts to feelings loop. The loop usually goes that we think something, it produces a feeling which makes us think something else that also creates a feeling and so on. Curiosity actually has the power to shift our thoughts and, therefore, the feelings that follow. Allowing for more curiosity or consideration can permit more pleasant, less frustrating feelings at times, as well as a sense of more agency and control in one’s life.
Getting curious
For example, if we think someone cut us off in traffic because they are just inconsiderate and reckless, then we feel angry. However, if someone cuts us off in traffic and we think “maybe they are running late for something important” or “maybe there is an actual emergency”, we may feel a little less angry and better able to move on with our day. We still do not enjoy being cut off in traffic, but the feeling is much different if we think someone is intentionally putting us in harm’s way versus believing someone made an error while in distress.
Curiosity can also be very key for understanding each other in relationships. I was recently talking to a friend who mentioned that her husband has a habit of turning on music around their home specifically when she may be trying to concentrate on a particular task, like writing or reading. She read it as incredibly inconsiderate and began to feel angry each time he did it. When she had finally had enough, she let him know and her husband was bewildered. He thought he was doing her a favor. It turns out that he was specifically turning on soft, lo-fi beats that he called “thinking music”. This music helps him when he is attempting to focus on a task and he was not trying to anger or annoy her, but to actually support her. My friend is a great person but instead of being curious about why he did this, she assumed. This made her pretty frustrated for a while and hurt her partner’s feelings for a bit when she responded from that assumption.
Lastly, curiosity can be helpful in understanding ourselves. There can be the belief that we understand ourselves best of all. But even so, there are times when we do things, or do not do things, but we do not fully understand why. Sometimes, in these situations, we can be hard on ourselves. We may think negative thoughts or harsh criticisms about ourselves and chalk our behavior up to somehow not being a good enough person in one way or another. But what if we got curious about our own behavior?
For instance, maybe you intend to cook at home more often but find that you still order food several times throughout the week. It may feel tempting to judge yourself and feel as though you are being irresponsible. From there you may feel shame or hopelessness that you will ever conquer this problem. But, what if you got curious about why you truly struggle to meet this goal? You may find that you do actually manage to cook many of the nights that you get to finish work on time but that your energy is much lower when you work late. Or you may find that meal prepping, when you are able to do so, instead of trying to do it all in one evening does actually work better for you.
From there you may be able to adjust the expectation to cooking once a week on an evening that you are home early or may try dedicating more weekend time to meal prep. Curiosity gives us the opportunity to experiment with our lives. If something is not working, we can think about why and what else we can try until we find something that works a bit better. It can help us move away from automatic shame and judgement to actual consideration for alternative answers that help us feel more in control of our lives.
How to get more curious
Two things can help us start to practice more curiosity in life. First, ask the obvious questions. In sessions, I often find myself saying to clients something along the lines of, “this may be a silly question, but why did it make you angry that that person yelled at you?”. This may seem like an obvious answer. Being yelled at does not feel good, feels offensive, and is generally considered rude. Asking why may feel like a waste of time when the answer seems as though it is obvious. However, time after time, when I ask an “obvious” question, I get answers that expand the conversation and often open to a deeper level of thoughts and feelings waiting just below the surface.
A client may answer, “It made me angry that they yelled at me because they only yell around me. They, somehow, hold it together so much more around other people. I get tired of feeling like their punching bag.” From there, we get to think about the relationship patterns they have with this person. Does this happen often? Is this an overall unhealthy relationship? Could this person not realize how they are showing up in relationship with you? Is it something you can talk more about? If so, how do you have this conversation with them?
As another example, my client may answer, “It actually made me defensive that they yelled at me. Honestly, I knew I should not have done that thing but why did they have to bring it up?” From there, we get to talk about how vulnerable it can feel to mess up. Is an apology necessary? We can also formulate an apology and a plan to try to make it right with this person, if needed. With curiosity and acknowledgement, conflict can actually strengthen, instead of weaken, a person or relationship.
If you are observing a behavior, either in others or yourself, that makes you feel frustrated, create the habit of asking yourself why this behavior may be occurring. Even if we are sure we know the answer, we are really just creating a story in our mind. I have a therapist colleague that says, “if you are going to make up a story, make up two or three and make at least one of them kind”. This is an excellent practice for interrupting the thought/feelings loop and practicing curiosity instead of judgment and assuming with ourselves and others.
A second way to practice curiosity is to slow down. Understand that curiosity can be just that, being curious. It is, sometimes, not concluding or deciding an answer. The act of being curious is the goal itself. It is allowing yourself to not go with the first story that comes into your mind. The goal being more observing and reflecting instead of assuming and judging. We are sometimes drawn to assumption and judgment because they help us quickly decide a story, take action, and have some perceived control over a situation. However, practicing curiosity helps us to control ourselves, which at the end of the day, is all we ever really have control over anyway.
Sometimes when we get curious, we actually realize that we do not have to do anything about what is frustrating us. Take the chronically late coworker, for instance. Watching them show up late repeatedly makes you frustrated and, in asking yourself why, you realize it is because you show up on time and they seem to get away with not having to do so. Well, why does that matter? You may find that it actually doesn’t. You are doing what you are supposed to do and it does not impact your job. If it is an issue for someone else or the job, they can address it. It is something that you have observed but you do not have to actually do anything about.
Slowing down helps us interrupt the thought/feelings loop by giving us a chance to generate different thoughts and, therefore, feelings. It also helps us decide if there is even any further action to take and, if so, what may make the most sense to try.
It may take some time, but with practice being more curious can be a mental health tool that improves your relationship with yourself and those around you. Give it a try!
