We have all been there with a friend or family member who is going through something difficult. Maybe it is the loss of a loved one, a difficult financial time, a bout of depression, a break up, or maybe a detrimental mistake that takes them to a really tough emotional space. It can be anything and as someone who cares about them, you want to be there and be supportive but you may not be sure of the best way to do that. It can be tough knowing what is actually helpful or how you should show up for them. Here are four tips to keep in mind when trying to be a supportive friend.
First, accept the discomfort. Accept that it is likely going to feel a bit awkward. You probably will not always know what to say. There may not always be anything to say. Accept that there may be strong emotions. Things may feel a little out of control or not look too pretty. This is not the glamorous side of life during these times but it is okay. It is the realness of life. Know your limits and get help for yourself or the other person if it starts to feel beyond what you can handle. But also accept that this time is not easy for your loved one and it will not feel exactly easy for you either as you support them. It is going to be a bit uncomfortable and may even feel a little draining at times, but that is what support looks like. You are essentially holding a small part of the burden with them so it makes sense that you may feel a bit of the discomfort as well.
Give advice sparingly. Unless you happen to be an expert in the exact thing they are dealing with, be cautious with giving advice. Even then, remember that your experience will not necessarily be exactly like theirs. It is tempting during these times to try to support by giving the person something tangible that they can do. The thinking is, “if you try this and it works, problem solved! We don’t have to sit here and feel this way anymore”. You want to help end their suffering. There are a couple issues with advice-giving, though. First, the person is probably much more acquainted with the problem or experience than you are. While you may (or may not) know a lot about what is going on, you have not lived every moment of this experience the way they have. Your advice can very likely be something they have already thought of or may be missing some key elements of the problem that you have not seen or felt. It is a thoughtful gesture but usually advice-giving is best saved for experts or professionals in a given area who are likely more familiar with the finer details of the experience. The other issue with giving advice is that sometimes, there is not really much that can actually be done. Not all hard times can be fixed. Life often gives us experiences that must be endured. Your loved one has to keep going and doing what they can day to day but could use someone there so that they are not alone on the journey. Listening to someone, just being with them, or letting them know from time to time that you are thinking of them, without trying to fix it, can be priceless during a difficult time.
Think practical. If you are drawn to the idea of trying to do something tangible to show support, try to think practically about what may be useful. If a friend is particularly overwhelmed, offer to take their children for an evening to give them a night off. If time or money are an issue, make or provide a few meals to take that off their to-do list. It may feel as though a grand gesture like a trip or fancy night out is the way to go to show your support for someone. Depending on the person or situation, it may be just the thing. But sometimes when the gesture is done, the day to day struggles are still there. Often, having someone take one or two of the little things away feels like the best kind of support. It is also okay to just ask, “what’s the best way to help right now”. You can let them know that you want to support them in a way that is actually useful.
Take care of yourself. You can not pour from an empty cup. Being a support for someone else is tough. Emotionally and, often, physically you are showing up for another person’s needs. That is not easy and you have to be mindful of the toll that it can take on your own wellbeing. If you are simply checking in from time to time, that may feel more manageable. If, however, you are providing a more consistent support, it can become difficult. Be sure you are taking time for yourself. Do not be afraid to call in outside support for either yourself or your loved one when needed. If you can not show up for a particular situation or event, say so. It’s great to do what you can but be careful not to overextend yourself. It is okay to make a plan for when you will have time for yourself, for when someone else will take over or when the person may be able to handle things on their own for a while.
We have all had someone we care about have a challenging season of life. It is not always easy to know the best way to support someone and it can change depending on the person or situation. Remember that it will be a bit difficult for you as well and that you don’t have to offer advice or “fix it”. Also, be practical with your help and take care of yourself as you avail yourself to your friend. Seasons do not last forever. If you or someone you have is going through a difficult time, there is an end and, in time, you will get there.
