Clarity counseling & Wellness journal
Download our free journal with the reflection questions to help guide you through your thoughts. This journal can be printed or filled out digitally.
Setting Boundaries As The Go-To Friend
Expectations in relationships with friends and family has been a trending topic around me lately. Many folks struggle with feeling invested in showing up in relationships with their friends or family members but often do not feel others are as invested in the relationships in the same way. Folks have talked about others not showing up physically for their needs or feeling unsupported emotionally by those around them. This can be a frustrating and lonely experience. It can also feel hopeless and difficult to know how to manage these feelings and relationships.
If you have been feeling this way, there are not perfect ways to manage difficult relationship dynamics, but there are a few things you can consider. The first is changing your expectations of yourself. You may be putting a lot of pressure on yourself in your relationships that you do not have to have. The second consideration is to think differently regarding your expectations of, or interactions in, certain relationships. Below are more thoughts on each consideration. There are also reflection questions at the end as self-care can be really important when trying to manage difficult relationship dynamics.
Changing expectations of yourself
First, if you are often feeling overextended and not seen by others, it could help to start “seeing” yourself. One way to do that is to recognize your limits. It is admirable to want to be there for your friends, but constantly going above and beyond can lead to burnout. Take an honest look at what you are realistically able to commit to without compromising your own well-being. To do so, you will have to think before you commit. It is okay to practice taking time before you respond to assess if a particular request or idea may end up making you feel overextended in the long run.
Another way to “see” yourself is to learn to say no. After you think through things, it is okay to decline requests or invitations if they do not work for you. But you will have to be realistic with yourself about what makes sense for you. Then practice saying "no" firmly but kindly. Offer alternatives like suggesting they reach out to other friends or providing resources instead of your direct involvement.
It also could be very useful to stop volunteering. Sometimes when people discuss feeling overwhelmed or overextended, they will also explain that they volunteered to complete tasks that no one actually asked them to do. They saw a need and volunteered to fill it. While there are times this can be a good idea, it is also okay to recognize a need and allow someone else to fill it or, even, to allow it to remain open. It does not always have to be your job to fill in the gaps.
Changing your engagement with others
Sometimes, you gotta talk about it. If you are realizing that you are often frustrated in a relationship, it could help to have an open and compassionate conversation with your friend or family member about how you are feeling. Explain that you value your relationship with them but are starting to feel you need different things from it. Suggest specific ways they can support you, like asking before venting or taking turns planning outings.
It could also be useful for you to manage your expectations. When you feel you are the friend or family member that always shows up for others, it is understandable to want the same treatment in return. However, not everyone is able or willing to meet you where you are or fully reciprocate. In this case, acceptance becomes key. If you have tried to have the conversations but have not seen the changes you need in the relationship, it is okay to shift your expectation of that person or relationship. You may then decide to focus more attention on caring for yourself or investing in relationships that feel more supportive. It is not always necessary to cut off any relationship that feels imbalanced but you can adjust your engagement if you feel consistently uncomfortable with the dynamics of a given relationship.
Also, as a note, if you are particularly intuitive or empathetic, it may feel that you are often managing expectations in a lot of your relationships. Set the intention to communicate your needs openly, accept that not everyone will always be able to show the same level of empathy, seek relationships with others who are intuitive and empathetic, and practice regular self-care.
Keep in mind that things may change. It may go without saying that if you shift the dynamics of a particular relationship, the other person or people may not be fully on board. Incorporating new boundaries gives people the opportunity to shift the relationship with you and, hopefully, that will happen. However, sometimes holding your boundaries can create distance in the relationship. If this is the case, it is okay to grieve or feel sad about the change, if those feelings arise. Continue reflecting on your thoughts and feelings to follow what feels best and healthiest for you.
Lastly, keep in mind that self-care and support from others can be really important in this process. As you are trying to change the way you interact with yourself or others, you may also be confronting long-standing ideas of your value in relationships, which could be more connected to what you do versus who you are. Part of this process may be resetting the expectation that you have to do things for others to earn love instead of operating as though you deserve love and respect for existing and can expect your relationships to be more reciprocal. You may also be learning to foster new relationships at the same time. All of this can be important work for your health but can also be emotionally taxing. Here are a few reflection questions that could be useful along the way.
Reflection Questions
If you are starting to feel discomfort in a particular relationship or situation, reflect and write down what experiences are making you feel out of balance.
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If a conversation could be helpful, write down what you may ask for from the other person in order to feel more comfortable in the relationship.
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If a conversation has not been helpful, reflect on if new boundaries may feel better for you in this relationship. If so, what may they be and what would it look like to implement them?
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You can also acknowledge any feelings that may come up for you if things are starting to change in this relationship. It is important to give yourself space to feel them.
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After acknowledging your feelings, think of ways to support yourself. It may be investing time in something that you enjoy or will help you feel healthier or reaching out to someone else for support. You may also look to expand your social connections. What are some ways to support yourself through this process?
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