Loneliness and isolation have become a major issue in our current society and it’s affecting our health. In recent decades, we have experienced a significant decrease in social engagement and community connections and it has started to take an increasing toll. In 2023 the Surgeon General declared the issues of loneliness and isolation to be a health epidemic in the country and released an extensive report detailing the effects. Many of them are quite alarming including an increased risk of heart disease and stroke, increases in anxiety and depression and increased risk of premature death by up to 29%. The report notes the effect of loneliness can be similar to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
That’s pretty scary. There are many reasons for the decrease in social engagement and resulting isolation. We are a much more transient culture than in previous years making lasting connections harder to come by. We can work and do many other things from our homes which has decreased even passing interactions, for many of us. We also do not marry as much or as early in life as we once had making family connections smaller. As a society, we are less involved in civic organizations that offer regular meetup times and spaces to connect with others. Long story short, our society has shifted in a number of ways. Whether the changes are good, bad, or other, they appear to be the reality of our current lived experience. So, how do we adjust to these new norms while still considering our health and our need for connection and community? I think we are all just beginning to understand the problem and consider ways to adjust, so there may not be a complete, readily available solution just yet to fully figuring out this balance. But here are a few ideas on how to stay mindful around connection and engagement for yourself.
Don’t skip the small talk.
Many studies have shown that deeper interactions aren’t the only way to feel connected and improve mood. In fact, even small interactions like eye contact, smiling, and pleasant brief exchanges improve mood and overall wellbeing. Making the effort to shop in person or work in a café can seem small but could be useful for mental health and feeling energized. Offering a compliment or chatting briefly about lighthearted topics with acquaintances or strangers can feel nice and add a little boost to your day.
Consistency Matters
When it comes to more significant connections, consistency matters. Like most things in life, relationships and community connections grow over time. It can be tempting to imagine social connections and friendships sparking immediately and flowing easily over time. Often, though, we have to invest a bit of effort over time and navigate the ebbs and flows of life to remain connected. If you are looking to start to create more connections, find activities you are interested in and be prepared to show up multiple times or in multiple places over time to create plenty of opportunity for repeated connection. You can also start to be more intentional about consistency with the connections you already have. You can make a mental note to check in on a regular interval that feels right for a particular friendship. You can verbalize that you would like more frequent time in person and discuss what may be possible with particular friends. Social engagement can be really hard as an adult. However, what we water grows. There may not be as much time for social interactions but if you are watering your connections with some consistency, they will grow and become or remain an integral part of your life and wellbeing.
Connecting With You
Connecting with yourself is a pretty significant part of the journey to building community. For lots of us, the feeling of being disconnected can extend beyond interactions with others and can also be true in the relationship we have with ourselves. Feeling disconnected from ourselves does not feel great but also impacts the connections we have with others or, even, our ability to connect with them at all at times. However, having a consistently healthy relationship with ourselves can sometimes feel as tricky as trying to navigate relationships with other people. But getting more comfortable in our own skin is a better way to navigate life and help us more easily and genuinely connect with others.
There are countless ways to feel more connected to yourself. Everyone enjoys and is energized by any number of different activities. Here are a few to consider and how they can help you in building community and staying connected.
Develop a hobby.
Developing a hobby offers us the opportunity to meet with like-minded people around a topic of interest and to learn from each other. The practice of learning a skill and perfecting it over time is also a great way get to know yourself and feel connected to who you are. The great thing about hobbies is that you can do them on your own time and at your own pace. But you get to have the challenge of learning and growing. There is a belief that hobbies are the thing you get to do and love and that they always feel great. But I don’t think so. Anytime we are learning or growing there can be some feelings of discomfort. Hobbies should not be overwhelmingly stressful or debilitating but they can give us an opportunity to meet and conquer little challenges which leads to greater self-confidence, a sense of pride, and feelings of accomplishment. They are also, again, a great way to possibly meet and spend time with like-minded people, learn, overcome challenges together, and celebrate growth together.
Get active.
You do not have to be keen on hard or long workouts to benefit from physical activity. Several studies show that even light to moderate exercise has health benefits. Finding joyful ways to move your body can go a long way toward improving your mood and making you feel more comfortable in your own skin. Similar to hobbies, physical activity can be a way to push yourself, create consistency, and achieve goals.
How you think about physical activity, however, is a great way to build the relationship with yourself. It is important to note that thinking of physical activity as a way to punish yourself or your body may not be the best way to gain mental health benefits. Be mindful of only doing activities that feel good to you and giving yourself permission to avoid those that do not as a practice of kindness toward yourself. It is okay if you set goals and find movements or activities that feel right and reasonable to you. If you’re just starting out or are finding it hard to stay consistent, think about starting smaller. Even five or ten minutes of walking or light stretching regularly to help build consistency is a great way to practice patience with yourself as you start to build a new habit.
Cultivating or continuing a habit of physical activity is also a great time to practice ways of speaking to yourself. Negative or harsh self-talk rarely builds the kind of relationship you want to have with yourself (or anyone else, for that matter). Practice saying positive, affirming, encouraging statements to yourself to try to stay engaged and motivated. It may seem too soft or silly at first but try it out over time and see how it feels. Building the habits of regular physical activity and positive inner dialogue are great ways to show yourself some love and build a healthy relationship with yourself. Lots of physical activities are, again, a great way to also meet other people, learn from each other, and build supportive relationships.
Know You
Self-reflection is essential to having a healthy relationship with yourself. Being able to think honestly about your own character, behaviors and motivations is necessary for having a better understanding who you are. It helps you assess the parts of you that you like and feel most comfortable with as well as the parts of you that you would like to change or be better. Honest self-reflection is the key. Depending on our mindset orientation, we can tend to be more to one side or the other at times. Some of us tend to be overburdened with all the things we need to change and overly negative about ourselves and our qualities. While others avoid being realistic about some of the shifts that may need to be made. Neither approach is particularly healthy or helpful. No one is doing everything right or everything wrong. Taking regular intervals to create a balanced assessment helps you know yourself better which tends to lead to feeling more self-assured. It doesn’t mean you feel perfect but that you know who you are because you have taken the time to look around and acknowledge the different parts of who you are. The process of self-reflection allows a comfortable confidence that not only helps us feel better as we navigate life but also as we navigate relationships with others.
Building and maintaining community and authentic connections can be hard, particularly with many other responsibilities vying for our time and attention. It has, however, become a matter of our mental and physical health to prioritize these connections. Give yourself permission to slow down and make space for regular, healthy connections with both others and yourself.
